Her face isn’t all the beautiful.
But yet, she walks with such confidence that I must admit I admire. She isn’t thin, but she isn’t fat. She is curvy and in that aspect, she is beautiful. She has on a bikini. Her back is smooth, her breasts look perfect with just the right amount of cleavage showing. I try not to stare, but she walks around with her kids in tow, not caring, it seems. Her thighs are far from perfect with cellulite on display. Her stomach not flat but round. My first thought, not a woman who should be wearing a bikini. Then, later corrected myself and thought…
She is confident and a role model for her toddler daughter.
She walks like she is a model.
She is walking not only on the beach, but to her camp and to other camps in her bikini as if she is a teenage model.
She is not.
But as I said before, it’s the confidence that she carries that makes me wonder about her. I wouldn’t want to be her. Just would like some of her confidence. I am one to sit on the beach with shorts and a t-shirt. Low self-esteem and personal experiences/comments from others including family members help shape me into who I am today.
As a kid, I was tall and skinny. I could eat anything I wanted and never gain an ounce. (Ha! What I wouldn’t give for that now? Right?!) I heard it all “Don’t you eat?” “Doesn’t your mom feed you?” “You have no butt” or one my favorites (not really) “You have a bony butt” I should have taken advantage when they said, “Here, have my food, you need it more than me!” And my all time favorite “Are you anorexic?”
I believed what my mom told me.
My Godmother often told me since I was so tall and skinny, I could be a model, but it was my mom who told me the opposite and it was my mom that I believed.
I took this all to heart. It became who I am. The damage had been done.
Today, I am far from that skinny girl, now being overweight by about 40 pounds. I have cellulite thighs and that jiggly “I had 2 children” type of belly. Cleavage is not something I’ve ever had until I had kids and now it’s because I haven’t lost the weight. The only thing that is thin on me is my patience. However, I know that I am loved by both my boys and my husband. I am truly blessed to have these special boys in my life and I am happy with the life we have built together.
Live life as if no one is watching.
Back to the mysterious woman, who is not the only one on the beach. There are two other moms with bikinis nearby on the beach. One’s butt is too big for the small triangle of bathing suit covering her bottom. It’s hard not to look. Perhaps, because it is not an attraction pleasing to the eye. And the other has a belly that hangs over her bottoms. She too has ‘love handles’ that help her to carry the child she had 3-4 months ago.
I sound like I am judging them. I suppose I am. But in my defense, it’s what I see and feel and I wish some of their self-confidence would rub off on me. I am still trying to lose the ‘baby weight’ as I call it, however my doctor once told me; “Your child is nearly out of toddler-stage, it’s NOT baby weight anymore!” Whatever…I got the old muffin top, cellulite and stretch marks from carrying my babies 9 months, I’ll call it what I want.
And just so you know, these thoughts have no bearing on how much I love my boys. Both completely and utterly miracles after years of trying, and finally being told, I would only have a 1% change of ever carrying a baby full term on my own. (HA! Look at me now – Mr. Infertility Doctors! 100% Natural!)
Sorry I got a little off track, back to my thoughts about the mysterious mom at the beach. Perhaps she isn’t so deserving of the pedestal I put her and her friends on.
Or maybe she is.
Or maybe she is so focused on her miracle, that she has no idea how much others such as myself are wishing we could be like her.
Or maybe she does.